I Belong to the Sea – By Joni Martin

Disclaimer: The below article is one person’s experience with medication. Each individual’s experience with medication may be different. It is important to consult with your health care professional before making changes to your medication intake.

a stormy sea

A Stormy Sea by Monet, Oscar-Claude

I heard a story about a girl who was born at sea. She learned to walk on sea legs and then her parents moved her to land and she spent her youth walking unsteadily on land, eventually understanding that the ground doesn’t shift and that the landscape doesn’t change. Every sunrise and sunset she longed to go back to the sea. It wasn’t that she couldn’t live on land – of course she could. It was more that she had been born in another place, and that place owned her soul; always whispering to her to come back home.

Right now, I’m working on being present: in my body, in this moment, and in all of the feelings this moment brings. As I sit with my feelings of restlessness and loss, I think I, too, belong to the sea.

I think one of the most frustrating things about “coming out” about my mental illness is the fact that people do care. They want me to be ok, they don’t want my illness to take my life away. Totally understandable… but also frustrating. It’s not just a choice between being healthy or not; it’s between being medicated or being me. My medication blocks the dark parts. Yes. Mostly. It keeps me from diving into the black waters of hopelessness, but it also takes me miles from the sea that I know. Even now in my inland village, I still have sand in my shoes. The sand is a constant reminder: I am not someone who was made to live on the shore.

The medication also dims my light, whittling away at the width and the depth of me. All those things that make me who I am? Those are partly my illness, too, and when the dark parts are erased, so are the good things: my ability to write, my creativity, how I think outside the box and the perspective with which I see life. The medication separates me from the world most real to me; it takes away my water.

Sure, I won’t drown if I stay on the shore but I also won’t live fully.

Today, I sit with my feelings of loss, holding the choice of embracing being fully me with all that entails, both the good and the bad; or learning contentment in a life on dry land, miles from the shore’s lullabies. I know no matter what I choose, I will disappoint someone.

“There are so many dark and dangerous things in the water, Jones!” they say. “I can’t understand why you would want to risk it!”

My heart breaks in reply: the beauty of being weightless, the way the sunlight dances on prisms of waves, the sense of being one with the waves, the world of wonder and color beneath the surface. To me, the risk is in losing my sea forever, and with it, my words. As a writer, can I breathe without words? Can a girl with sea legs learn to be happy in a village where waves crashing on shores are only cloudy dreams slipping away with morning light?

The water itself isn’t the enemy, but a life spent at sea can be dangerous. My loved ones prioritize my safety and want me inland, untouchable by hurricanes and roaring winds. My wild and restless heart rebels, longing to run toward the smell of salty water, shed my medication, and dive in.

Today, I am still stuck between two worlds: pills in my hand, making the choice every day to forsake the water or take to it. It’s hard to feel that conflict.

But here I sit.

Being present.

Uncomfortable.

And that’s ok.

~~~

Writer: Joni Martin

Joni describes herself as a writer, dreamer, instigator, and a geek. She is a non-profit consultant by day and a writer by night. You can find more of her writing in various places online as well as in her blog Hatch*  She is also on Twitter and Facebook.

9 responses to “I Belong to the Sea – By Joni Martin

  1. Thank you for this lovely posting.
    Medication has benefits and problems, we have to balance the side effects that we experience against the help that it can provide.
    It is rarely, if ever, the only part of an effective treatment regimen.
    Lifestyle changes, talking therapies and socialisation can have equally strong effects onour brain chemistry and often these will be longer lasting. The changes that other treatmennts can bring about tend to have longer term protective effects.
    In my experience working with young people with mental health difficulties medication is usually about enabling the other, more effective treatments to work.
    For some it is the best thing they can do, for many it is problematic.
    For me the worst of the side effects is on emotional expression, recent research suggests that some poeple find it harder to express their love and other positive emotions while taking pills. There can be an emotional blunting making our engagement with life more difficult.
    Where medicationis concerned ask yourself
    1. What are the potential benefits?
    2. What are the dangers?
    3 What am I prepared to live with for the help that they can provide?
    Discuss this with your care provider, they should be open to discussing your needs rather than just applying a protocol.
    Best of luck.
    Sandy
    As a trainee psychiatrist, the first person I met with what used to be called manic deressive psychosis was an artist. He hated me as I ran his medicatin and blood levels by the book. After several discussions we agreed to run his levels at half perfect – then he could create his art again and make a living. The “perfect” drug regimen had taken a way his creativity and what made life worthwhile for him. He was happy with less mental stbility and more life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for such a thorough and thoughtful comment. I really appreciate you sharing your expertise and personal insight. Glad to hear you enjoyed the article! =)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. What beautiful descriptiveness. My 10 year old son (adhd) tells me he is “funnier” without his medication. Yet he takes his mess each morning without a fuss because he know we want him too. He knows the difference it makes but yearns to just be himself sometimes! Either way, the choice means you give up something to gain something…ad choices can be so hard!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I perceive that you added this medication to improve your being. Without it sharpening your perspective, you’ll revert to the old you which may be okay but would rather slow you beyond your expectations.

    Your story seem to be the motivating factor and the belief system you’ve endeared to eek a living and I truly throw my support to the forwardness of this goal. Feel free to find one who you can tell your former self to whenever it springs on you. So proud of you

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s